Times

This is a picture of my mom and brother, as well as myself. I'm the one with the long hair eating ice cream. LOL

We all are something, but none of us are everything

   I keep trying to explain to myself how can I do it ? How can I keep trying to show my two kid's the way it's going to be if they keep in their direction.

 It's been so tough on me cause they just don't listen and don't seem to want to listen to anyone's reason ...We all seem to not know what we're talking about and thats just how they see us, as know nothing adult's that are just plain dumb.

 I try and I try but it just isn't working and they keep going further and further into the street's. I know exactly where My daughter is going and where she's been, she just doesn't realize how much I know and who I know but thats cool. as like my son, He just keeps running around chasing his wannabe friends portraying gangster's and they ai't nothing but chumps and he's following them at that..

WOW 

 How bad have I going ... That they don't see that road ahead of them ......

Can you just be Patient?

If you're here and have been before then you might know what the basis of my writings are about, I know I haven't been consistent but its hard for me to get this down and keep up with work.
It isn't any easier always having my Daughter in mind and worrying about her every move. I know I shouldn't cause she's all grown up but both of my children make it very difficult to do that. But this is mostly if not all about my princess, Adesha my daughter. To hear her say anything or tell her version of reality you would think she had it all under control when it came to her choices, but thats where the problem lies. Her mother and I know her to well and eveything and I mean everything she says to us is always fictional.
I am always only trying to get her to make better choices in life being that she's unconteolable and living on her own already. And because she's on her own makes it harder for me cause she keeps herself in a bad relationship and nomatter what I say or do of never changes. But I still try.
Sometimes I find myself so worried and stressed out but I have to realiE that I've done everything I possibly could. I have to let her learn the hard way. Right?

I only want to protect you

If you're here and have been before then you might know what the basis of my writings are about, I know I haven't been consistent but its hard for me to get this down and keep up with work.
It isn't any easier always having my Daughter in mind and worrying about her every move. I know I shouldn't cause she's all grown up but both of my children make it very difficult to do that. But this is mostly if not all about my princess, Adesha my daughter. To hear her say anything or tell her version of reality you would think she had it all under control when it came to her choices, but thats where the problem lies. Her mother and I know her to well and eveything and I mean everything she says to us is always fictional.
I am always only trying to get her to make better choices in life being that she's unconteolable and living on her own already. And because she's on her own makes it harder for me cause she keeps herself in a bad relationship and nomatter what I say or do of never changes. But I still try.
Sometimes I find myself so worried and stressed out but I have to realiE that I've done everything I possibly could. I have to let her learn the hard way. Right?

Why can't I just see it ...

Its a tough road seeing my two kids grow, Only because they dont seem to understand that the choices they make aren't the right ones. Atleast not now, I try so hard to be a friend cause sometimes being their dad doesn't sink in for them.
My princess is like I said in one of my last post, coming into her own. She's eighteen now and on her own. Trust me when I say it hasn't been my choice but there is so much I can do and say cause she just won't listen to either her mom or myself. All I can do is support her for whatever it is she wants to challenge in life, thats all it seems like now. A challenge in life.
My daughter is a good girl. She just needs support and someone not to turn their backs on her and I won't. As hard as it may be for me, I will never give up on her. I may not agree with everything she wants or does but I do want her to be happy and I'll continue to be there for her as well as my son Michael, another story in itself.

I can now that their getting into their own

So I guess now that both of my kid's are eighteen I can start to worry about myself since they have just drifted.
I don't know, sometimes I wonder if they will ever learn and someday be okay out there. My son will be cause he's just spoiled and has his mom to put a roof over his head nomatter what he does and says to her .. as well as his grandmother who see's no wrong in how he lives and behaves but I guess that's why he stay's away from me, Being that I don't put up with to much of his nonsense,
As for my Daughter Adesha, well she's a prize. It's tough being a father to an eighteen year old girl thats thinks everything is her way and owed to her. Although she's not like my son, cause she doesn't have the crutches he has in life so she strives for everything she has and wants.
Something like me, LOL ..She's a good girl though, very stubborn but smart and I know she will be okay at the end of the day.I worry about her the most ofcourse cause she's a woman and I know how hard it can be for her out there in this cruel world,, But I continuesly try to be there for her even though she is tough on me..Get that~ she's tough on me..I have to change that for real..
Anyway I'm gonna be back soon so I'll end this blog on this note ...
Don't ever forget who has to be number one, cause if you do everyone you love will never place or show !

A New Lunapic Picture

Edited at LunaPic.com

As usual ~ A difference

Today was Different ...
as usual I started out by going to the PG, and back home. But it was different ... so I took a ride but still couldnt figure out why I needed to go but I needed to get on the train just to ride.
I thought of alot, and I thought of my life, my kid's and everything they are going through. But it was different ...
So I go about my day so far ... I have my usual ~ coffe and a smoke, but it was different ...
Everything just seems to be coming down on me as if I was being thrown into the belly of my depression, I haven't felt this kind of confusion and awareness in a long time but it's not the type of awareness that guides through the difficult ways of my uncertainty.
It's a scary feeling knowing I shouldn't but I have to ... Just have to be nowhere in particular, no place else to be cause if I just stay put I will only let my feelings get the best of me and with everything I have to live with because of the failures or better said, my short comings towards my son and daughter ... but it was really different ...
I almost wanted to yell just to yell but as I looked round I realized that if I did something like that I would have scared not only the old man sitting down across from me but everyone else on the train, I was scared. Ijust knew it was different ...
I usually get such a calming feeling when Im riding the A train or what ever but today even all the noise from the train going down the tracks weren't giving me the piece of mind I needed and that isn't what usually happenes to me when I ride... it was different ...
Please tell me why I am not seeing a better way to live my life and to do it with my son and daughter there to know that I am and have done everything I knew I could .......
I am gonna find out why everything seems so different today and for the next few days I am going to keep looking for a better way !

Alone down this path I don't want to go ...

I know I can just let them grow, but I find it too hard to see them put them selves through so much pain in their everyday lives ...
It's like when we have everything going well for us that we tend to self destruct cause we don't believe we deserve to be fine. And there couldn't be anything further from the truth ... I know cause I was one to think that way and even in relationships I used to just mess everything all up when things where fine ...at home, at work and with our loved ones. So many bridges have been burned cause of my decisions, so many people I've hurt ... thats what I believe I see my loved ones going through and if there were something I could say or do ...I would but some times we have to let those loved ones go through their trials and tribulations to learn for themselves that It can and should be different if we just give ourselves a break ..a chance to live a normal life ...

Anyway even with us parents it never seems to get easier but patience is so hard to come by even in our own relationships .. I have special people in my life and it hurts my to see even them having to deal with not giving each other the understanding to know that for once in our lives ..We are Loved ! and that there is a time when those that have made mistakes in the past are capable of growing within themselves enough to care for us ..with age comes great understanding to know our husbands and wives are in our paths for just that reason.... to be our wives and husbands, it's hard when we feel like we aren't being understood and that it feels like every effort is to no avail ..I know it hurt's .

If anything is meant to be then I know that when we take vows and decide to be together for the rest of our lives ... then thats what it means. The trouble is that sometimes there are people that come along to make us feel something we haven't felt in so long that we are blind sided ..comfort in an illusion cause thats all it is ..if we can sit down and think about where our lives are headed to make sure and be careful not to jump into something thats just temporary, a very bad decision could effect us and our most loved ones in a bad way if we aren't careful to distinguish whats just a little comfort and what is our life ..
Take some time to really look at these options and see if our children our worth it ..is our happiness worth it ..is the rest of our lives worth it !

Never to Late

It's amazing how much we have to endure in order to give ourselves and what we would prefer our loved ones to live for ...
I have done so much but nothing at all to change their decisions in every thing they have chosen in life, it has not been easy but not hard enough to do better as a father.
Please Michael and Adesha .. understand that even though we dont have the greatest relationship , I do want you two to know that in my own way ...I loved you guy's so much, I know I never did enough to make you happy or even want to be around me cause I didnt provide everything you always wanted but It hasnt always been easy to be there for you .
I just wanted to your father and spend time with the two of you ...
Why do we always have to wait till it's to late so we can see what we should have done...a long time ago, I spent all my time around rick cause he is and always has been my stone, my everything ...The only one that supported me through all the pain I put him and my loved ones through, he saved my relationship with you guy's and I love him for every minute of everyday we spent together.
I wanted you two to see the way we lived so that somehow you could have wanted to try and do the right thing in your youth for a chance in this life which is I must admit ...not fair at all, I know.
For what it's worth I just want you guy's to remember how much I truly care and love the both of you and if there was anything I could do for you in my absence or anything I can give you I would and it's your's to live with and share together...Iam not sure as I right this if it even means anything but when the time comes I want you two to not have to struggle as hard as I did as I was growing up as a teenager without my parent's ..
I plan on takin care of myself , but I do feel my body going through all sort of changes... I have lived with alot of stuff for a long time and it's all catching up to me like all the thing's I did in my teens. Dont be ignorant and be everything I know your capable of, you are my kid's and that means alot...I believe in you two even when you dont believe in yourselves.