Today was Different ...
as usual I started out by going to the PG, and back home. But it was different ... so I took a ride but still couldnt figure out why I needed to go but I needed to get on the train just to ride.
I thought of alot, and I thought of my life, my kid's and everything they are going through. But it was different ...
So I go about my day so far ... I have my usual ~ coffe and a smoke, but it was different ...
Everything just seems to be coming down on me as if I was being thrown into the belly of my depression, I haven't felt this kind of confusion and awareness in a long time but it's not the type of awareness that guides through the difficult ways of my uncertainty.
It's a scary feeling knowing I shouldn't but I have to ... Just have to be nowhere in particular, no place else to be cause if I just stay put I will only let my feelings get the best of me and with everything I have to live with because of the failures or better said, my short comings towards my son and daughter ... but it was really different ...
I almost wanted to yell just to yell but as I looked round I realized that if I did something like that I would have scared not only the old man sitting down across from me but everyone else on the train, I was scared. Ijust knew it was different ...
I usually get such a calming feeling when Im riding the A train or what ever but today even all the noise from the train going down the tracks weren't giving me the piece of mind I needed and that isn't what usually happenes to me when I ride... it was different ...
Please tell me why I am not seeing a better way to live my life and to do it with my son and daughter there to know that I am and have done everything I knew I could .......
I am gonna find out why everything seems so different today and for the next few days I am going to keep looking for a better way !
as usual I started out by going to the PG, and back home. But it was different ... so I took a ride but still couldnt figure out why I needed to go but I needed to get on the train just to ride.
I thought of alot, and I thought of my life, my kid's and everything they are going through. But it was different ...
So I go about my day so far ... I have my usual ~ coffe and a smoke, but it was different ...
Everything just seems to be coming down on me as if I was being thrown into the belly of my depression, I haven't felt this kind of confusion and awareness in a long time but it's not the type of awareness that guides through the difficult ways of my uncertainty.
It's a scary feeling knowing I shouldn't but I have to ... Just have to be nowhere in particular, no place else to be cause if I just stay put I will only let my feelings get the best of me and with everything I have to live with because of the failures or better said, my short comings towards my son and daughter ... but it was really different ...
I almost wanted to yell just to yell but as I looked round I realized that if I did something like that I would have scared not only the old man sitting down across from me but everyone else on the train, I was scared. Ijust knew it was different ...
I usually get such a calming feeling when Im riding the A train or what ever but today even all the noise from the train going down the tracks weren't giving me the piece of mind I needed and that isn't what usually happenes to me when I ride... it was different ...
Please tell me why I am not seeing a better way to live my life and to do it with my son and daughter there to know that I am and have done everything I knew I could .......
I am gonna find out why everything seems so different today and for the next few days I am going to keep looking for a better way !
0 comments:
Post a Comment